


for a moment i was feeling like i had you

by dj jiggle juice (therestisconfetti)



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: F/F, angsty, it's also kind of soft but also angsty, sorry :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-20 22:32:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14903354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therestisconfetti/pseuds/dj%20jiggle%20juice
Summary: Beca doesn’t consider herself an impulsive person.She’s not, she swears. Most everything for her has always been carefully planned, even just a general idea of what she’s doing. If anything, the planning and preparing has only intensified since she moved to Los Angeles to work with DJ Khaled.Yet here she is in Chloe’s apartment in Davis, exhausted from her performance and the two hour drive it took her to get here.





	for a moment i was feeling like i had you

**Author's Note:**

> this is heavily based off of 3:15 by Bazzi. I highly recommend listening to it because not only does it provide angst, but it's currently one of my favorite songs.
> 
> warning: angst ahead.

Beca doesn’t consider herself an impulsive person.

She’s not, she swears. Most everything for her has always been carefully planned, even just a general idea of what she’s doing. If anything, the planning and preparing has only intensified since she moved to Los Angeles to work with DJ Khaled.

Yet here she is in Chloe’s apartment in Davis, exhausted from her performance and the two hour drive it took her to get here.

(It would’ve been a little over an hour, but the stadium traffic was the worst and also she may have taken a wrong turn or two to get here.)

She’d been in San Francisco for a concert, something she’s still not quite used to after almost a year of actually doing live performances and being a real performer and not just a producer. Chloe was supposed to come - Beca had a VIP pass for her and everything - but the vet clinic she’s currently doing her clinicals with needed her to come in at the very last minute.

Beca tried not to be too upset when she received Chloe’s text four hours before the show.

It wasn’t until she was in the middle of her performance, doing a cover of one of Chloe’s favorite songs - it was supposed to be a surprised for the redhead during the set - that she realized she couldn’t not see her.

She had to.

It had been over a year since she’d last seen the redhead at Emily’s graduation. Beca was trying to navigate the music business as a new and upcoming artist while Chloe was drowning in vet school and trying to stay on top of all her studies.

It’s not like they drifted, not really. They still text on most days, find little parts of their day to FaceTime, send each other dumb snapchats, and update each other on life, but it’s different.

Because Beca can’t remember the last time she didn’t come home to Chloe.

It’s scary, really, to know that she can’t really think of a time in her adult life that Chloe Beale isn’t around for. She spent four years at Barden with the girl, then went on to move to New York, coming home to Chloe every day with another story about how her boss totally doesn’t trust her and how most of her clients are little shits.

She spent countless nights drunk off of wine or cheap beer and curled up on a bed watching a movie or binging a show on Netflix.

She spent too many moments wondering what exactly Chloe Beale’s existence in her life is supposed to mean, how Chloe has always been there but never pushes Beca into doing or talking about anything she’s not ready to.

Chloe somehow has just always known.

She knows when Beca wants to sit in silence, knows when Beca has something on her chest that she needs to talk about, knows how to manage Beca’s grumpiness, knows when she’s craving Chloe’s touch but doesn’t want to say it.

Chloe just  _ knows. _

So that’s why after bidding her audience a good night, Beca’s rushing into her dressing room an practically ripping off her outfit to change into sweats and a hoodie before she’s talking her personal assistant into giving her keys to the rental car they had - mainly for her public assistant’s use to run errands and such - and promising she’ll be back by the morning before their flight.

She dashed out of the venue to the car, pulling up Chloe’s address and setting it as her destination on Google Maps.

Chloe, bless the girl’s heart, is been bleary-eyed and confused when she opens her door to find Beca on the other side.

“Beca?” Chloe says in a soft and raspy voice, rubbing her eyes to see clearly.

Beca’s amazed her knees don’t give out right then and there at the sound of her voice.

“Surprise nerd,” she grins. “Can I come in?”

It takes Chloe a moment, but when it registers that Beca’s standing in front of her, she’s flinging herself onto the smaller girl, arms quickly tightening around her shoulders as she buries her face into Beca’s neck.

“Oh my god,” she breathes out against Beca’s skin.

Chloe’s body is warm and familiar against her own, and Beca’s arms slowly wrap around Chloe’s middle, rubbing her back gently.

“Hey you,” Beca says quietly.

When Chloe makes it clear she has no intent of moving, Beca guides them into Chloe’s apartment, closing the door by kicking it back softly with her foot. Chloe doesn’t let go of her the entire time and even though Beca’s never actually been to Chloe’s apartment before, she somehow feels like she’s home, like this is where she’s supposed to be.

Chloe finally pulls back and they release each other. She’s clearly confused as she looks at Beca in bewilderment. Beca finds it absolutely endearing.

“How - what - You’re supposed to be in San Francisco.”

“I was. I drove here after my set.”

Chloe’s eyes widen as she gapes. “You really drove all the way out here to see me?”

Beca shrugs, growing a little shy. “You couldn’t make it tonight, so I figured I’d at least make up for it, or whatever.”

Chloe’s whole expression softens and she shakes her head as she replies, “Beca Mitchell, you are something else.”

The redhead moves effortlessly from where they stand in front of the door to her kitchen, opening the fridge and pulling out two beers. Beca just now realizes that they’ve been in the dark for the past few moments, the light from inside of the fridge lighting up the studio apartment.

It’s clear that Chloe’s wide awake now, eyes bright and smile sitting comfortably on her lips. Her hair falls in messy waves down her shoulders, a few strands sticking out here and there. She’s got absolutely no makeup on and is in her pajamas that Beca’s pretty sure she’s had as long as they’ve known each other, those stupid matching ones with sheep or whatever on them.

Even this late at night, after being woken up in the middle of sleeping, Chloe is still the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen.

She holds one of the beers out to Beca, leaving the fridge door open.

Beca chuckles, taking the beer without question. “I knew I’d convert you to a beer girl.”

Chloe laughs softly before grabbing the rest of the six pack and taking a seat at the edge of her bed, her back pressed against the comforter and mattress as her legs spread out in front of her. She pats the spot next to her and Beca’s quickly joining her.

“I didn’t have much of a choice when it’s all you’d buy,” she reminds the girl.

Chloe leans over, grabbing her phone and connecting it to her speaker. When music begins playing, Beca hides a grin because she knows it’s one of the ones she sent Chloe shortly after she moved to California.

“Hey,” Beca says defensively, bringing a knee up to her chest. “I bought wine sometimes.”

“Yeah, for me.”

Beca smiles at her, that dumb soft smile she sometimes gets when she’s around Chloe, as she confirms, “Yeah, for you.”

They sit on the hardwood floor of Chloe’s Davis apartment sipping on beer and catching up like no time has been lost between them, like they haven’t spent a year apart from each other in the passive aggressive longing and want that’s been underneath the surface as of late.

Chloe still knows Beca even after time apart. It’s clear in the way she doesn’t push too much to hear all the details of Beca’s events, and in the way when her hand falls against Beca’s knee after a particular joke, she doesn’t pull away.

It should feel good to Beca, being here and catching up with Chloe, but there’s a dull ache in her chest that she can’t quite ignore.

This is only temporary. Tomorrow she flies back to Los Angeles and she’s off on another round of press tours and concerts sprinkled in here or there while she promotes her new album. Chloe will continue vet school in here in Davis, without Beca.

It’s strange for her to think about how she and Chloe have completely separate lives that don’t directly include each other, especially when Chloe still knows Beca like the back of her hand.

When Chloe laughs at something Beca says, her head tilted back almost bumping against the bed and laughter echoing off the walls and ringing in Beca’s ears, the ache in Beca’s chest grows sharper.

She misses this.

She misses Chloe.

Even with Chloe right next to her, Beca still misses Chloe.

Something shifted between the mess of New York and the USO Tour and where they are now. Somewhere along the lines of sharing a fold out bed and almost dying in France and Beca’s new career, Beca realizes she can’t quite live without Chloe.

She thinks Chloe knows it, too.

She thinks Chloe knows when she pulls Beca in tight for a hug the last time they saw each other or when calls her out of the blue during the day, telling her she just wanted to hear her voice. She thinks Chloe knows when she sends Beca pictures of her animal patients when Beca tells her she’s crazy stressed with everything management wants her to do or when she mails Beca cute little care packages that definitely  _ do not _ have insanely precious stuffed animals inside and post it note with Chloe’s handwriting on every item.

So yeah, she’s pretty sure Chloe knows.

She likes to hope Chloe can’t live without her either.

But they still dance around it, a topic that’s never quite come up, despite the teasing from all their friends throughout the years.

To be honest, Beca’s never been the one to bring up topics like this and Chloe’s never been one to push Beca to do so.

They hardly even talked about Jesse when Beca dated him all those years ago.

And even then, it was quick and brief and Chloe would merely hum in response or give vague advice.

So yeah, they haven’t talked about it.

(Well, that’s a lie.

They kind of did, shortly after they returned to Brooklyn after the USO Tour.

“So Davis?”

“So Los Angeles,” Chloe mocks, a lopsided smile on her face.

“That’s six hours away by car,” Beca states lamely, refusing to admit she may have looked it up as soon as Chloe told her which vet school she’d be attending.

Chloe nods, her eyes looking a little sad. “That’s a long drive.”

“Yeah…”

There’s a pause.

Beca thinks this is her moment.

“Chloe, I-”

“You’re going to do amazing out there Becs,” Chloe suddenly says, cutting her off. “Don’t let anyone or anything hold you back, okay?”

Beca looks at her, noticing the way her watery smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes. She notices the way she’s silently pleading with her not to fight with her on this.

She wants to yell, to tell Chloe she could never hold her back, that she’d put up with distance if it meant she’d get to be with Chloe at the end of the day, down the road in a few years.

“Okay,” she says instead.

They don’t talk about it after that.)

Chloe has her life here in Davis as she tries to get through vet school and begin her career as a veterinarian and Beca is never in Los Angeles for more than two months at a time, constantly on the road and desperately wishing she could spend one day in bed without having to do anything.

It wouldn’t work.

It shouldn’t; she can’t do that to Chloe. Beca can’t have her but never be around enough to remind her how special she is every day. She doesn’t want to have Chloe always waiting, expecting her home but never really being able to enjoy her while she’s around.

It’s just not fair.

“So go on any dates lately? I heard Beca Mitchell’s a real heart stopper in LA,” Chloe teases, but Beca knows the redhead isn’t looking at her and she knows why Chloe takes an unnecessarily long sip of her beer.

They’re both three beers deep and Beca knows she needs to be careful.

She shrugs, avoiding Chloe’s eyes. “My personal assistant’s still trying to set me up on dates.”

“And how are those going?”

Chloe’s voice is light and fragile. She looks at her beer bottle instead of Beca and it’s killing the brunette.

“I can’t say I’ve found anyone worth seeing again,” she answers honestly, looking at the calendar thumb tacked onto the wall across from them, where Chloe’s desk resides with her laptop and messy array of papers and sticky notes.

Chloe sighs. “You have to give them a chance, you know.”

Beca hates this. She hates this game they’re playing, hates how Chloe’s acting like she’s trying to help when Beca has a feeling she’s going through the same thing, too.

It’s harder to sleep at night without Chloe’s arms wrapped around her.

It’s even harder to think right now when she’s had three beers and that damn playlist is still softly playing in the background.

Screw being careful.

Beca looks at her, eyes unwavering as she says, “I can’t take any of these dates seriously when all I think about is you.”

The statement surprises Chloe, who immediately turns to meet Beca’s gaze. Beca doesn’t falter when their eyes meet, instead daring Chloe to respond with the slightest raise of her eyebrows.

“Beca…” Chloe warns.

“I’m serious,” Beca insists, refusing to back down this time. “Look at me and tell me you don’t think about me too.”

“Of course I think about you,” Chloe tries, but Beca’s not buying it.

“You know what I mean.”

They look at each other for a long, agonizing moment. Music continues to play in the background and Beca doesn’t falter, keeping her eyes on Chloe’s the whole time. She’s tired of playing games, tired of doing what they think “is best.”

Chloe cuts her eyes away from Beca, taking another sip of her beer.

Beca feels a spark of hope ignite inside of her, but she also grows more frustrated.

“We can’t have this conversation,” Chloe tells her.

“Why not?” Beca asks incredulously. “I literally drove here from San Francisco after my set to come see you. I’m sitting on your apartment floor drinking beers with you and talking for hours.”

She lets out a scoff when Chloe doesn’t reply, doesn’t look at her.

“Jesus Christ Chloe, it’s 3:15 in the morning please just tell me what you’re thinking and  _ mean it,  _ dammit. I’m done trying to pretend this isn’t happening, that we’re not doing this weird thing,” she says a little more harshly than intended, but she stands her ground because she knows she has a point, knows this game they’re playing is killing Chloe, too.

Chloe doesn’t say anything for the longest time and Beca’s staring at her so hard she’s pretty sure she’d starting to see spots when the redhead finally speaks.

“I think about you all the time.”

It hangs in the air between them.

Beca feels her chest tighten.

“Okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?” Chloe asks, sounding a little angry, but also kind of broken as she turns to face Beca. “I think about you all the damn time, Beca, and it kills me because you’re not here. Is that what you wanted?”

Chloe leans her head back so it hits the back of her bed, letting out a frustrated noise.

Beca stare at her dumbly. For a moment she feels like she’s making this up, that this is all some weird dream she’s having, but Chloe’s breathing changes and she looks like she’s fighting back angry tears and Beca knows this is real.

She isn’t sure what how to respond.

She wants to say  _ yes, that’s what I wanted to hear. _

_ It’s all I’ve wanted to hear. _

_ I just want you in any way I can have you. _

Instead it’s “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Chloe lets out a strangled sigh. “You’re in Los Angeles and I’m in Davis, Beca. I have vet school and you’re starting a career as a real solo artist. This isn’t - it can’t work. We can’t do the distance and the baggage that comes with being apart all the time.”

And Beca’s always known this to be the truth, but to hear Chloe say it and sound so broken when she does - the way her voice trembles and her hand holding the beer bottle shakes - makes knots form in her stomach.

“Aren’t we already doing that?” she tries weakly, and it’s only then that she realizes she’s on the verge of tears, when she hears her voice crack.

“We’re friends like that,” Chloe tells her, squeezing her eyes shut.

Seeing Chloe like this is breaking her, and she wants to take all of Chloe’s troubles away but she knows she can’t do that, she can’t make all their problems disappear.

“Bullshit.”

“Beca.”

“Chloe.”

“This past year has been so hard,” Chloe admits, tears beginning to flow down her face as she opens her crystal-like eyes to look at Beca. “I need you with me, Becs. I can’t…”

Beca reaches out, grabbing Chloe’s hand. She intertwines their fingers as she looks at Chloe with tears in her own eyes and says, “I know. Me too.”

The gesture paired with Beca’s admission is all it takes before Chloe’s crumbling and Beca’s quickly pulling her into her chest, rubbing circles on Chloe’s back as she cries into Beca’s shoulder. Chloe shakes with every sob she lets out, but Beca’s hold is tight on her and she kisses Chloe’s hair and hushes her gently.

“I’m here Chlo,” she whispers over Chloe’s sobs.

This breaks her.

She knows it’s not fair.

Chloe clings onto her tightly, trying to control her sobs.

“I’m so sorry,” Beca murmurs. “I’m so - fuck, Chlo. I’m sorry.”

She isn’t sure how long they stay like that, but Beca finds that she doesn’t really care.

It seems like forever before Chloe asks, “Stay with me tonight?”

It’s muffled into Beca’s hoodie, but she can still hear how weak and small Chloe sounds. She holds onto the redhead even tighter.

“Anything for you,” she whispers.

Chloe relaxes into her hold, her sobs finally subsiding.

It’s another moment of sitting there before Beca hers the start of  _ Blue _ by Troye Sivan through Chloe’s speaker.

“Hey Chlo,” she whispers into Chloe’s hair. “Dance with me.”

Chloe pulls her face away from Beca’s hoodie for the first time since breaking down, furrowing her eyebrows. Her eyes are red-rimmed and tears are stained on her cheeks, but Beca still thinks she looks breathtaking.

“Huh?’

Beca shifts, moving Chloe off of her enough so that she can begin to stand before grabbing Chloe’s hands and pulling her up too.

“Dance with me,” she says again, an arm wrapping around Chloe’s waist.

Chloe still looks adorably confused, but she follows Beca’s lead anyway. Her arms hang loosely around Beca’s neck as they sway to the music. It only take a second before she decides to press her body against Beca’s and cling onto her tightly once again, tightening her arms around her neck much like she did when she found Beca on the other side of the door.

Beca smiles into her shoulder, arms securing their hold on Chloe’s waist. She closes her eyes as they sway to the music still, the fridge being their only source of light.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispers again.

“Me too,” Chloe sighs into Beca’s skin.

They fall asleep not too long after that, Chloe’s back pressed to Beca’s front under Chloe’s sheets.

Chloe wakes up first - like she always does - and she’s pressing a kiss into Beca’s shoulder blade when Beca lets out a soft sigh, moving father back to be closer to Chloe.

“You have to go Becs,” Chloe whispers across her skin.

“I don’t want to,” Beca mumbles. “I’ll stay here.”

She feels the ghost of Chloe’s laughter on her back. It makes her shiver.

“I’ll make you coffee,” Chloe offers.

Beca lets out a soft hum.

Chloe kisses the back of her neck before she’s slipping out of bed and moving into her kitchen. Beca watches her, in her dumb pajamas that she finds annoyingly cute.

It’s a quiet morning, but there’s a heaviness neither of them are willing to address. It’s a morning full of quiet glances, shy smiles, and soft kisses on cheeks and forehead and shoulders.

The dull ache in Beca’s chest worsens every time Chloe so much as looks at her.

Chloe pulls on a jacket and walks Beca down to the rental car she drove, both of them taking way longer than necessary to get there.

“I don’t want to go,” Beca admits in a small voice.

“Take care Becs,” Chloe tells her quietly.

Beca can see the way Chloe’s fighting to keep her voice even, fighting to keep herself from getting emotional.

So she sighs and gives Chloe a nod. “Kick ass in school, I know you always do.”

Chloe gives her a gentle smile. “Drive safe and have a safe flight.”

“I’ll text you when I land.”

Chloe wraps her arms around Beca one last time, her hold a little tighter than usual. Beca squeezes her eyes shut and wills herself not to cry. She hugs Chloe back just as tightly, but regretfully lets go.

“I need to get going,” she tells her.

“Okay,” Chloe nods, stepping back so now she’s holding Beca’s waist at arm’s length. “I’ll see you when I see you.”

And Beca thinks she could really just buy Chloe a one-way ticket to Los Angeles without hesitation. She’d do it in a heartbeat if it means slow mornings and shy smiles every day.

But Chloe’s in vet school and she has responsibilities. Beca does too.

“Don’t miss me too much,” Beca teases, but the weight that comes with those words lands heavily on them both.

Chloe leans forward and places a soft kiss on her forehead. “Call me.”

When Beca drives away, she peeks in the rearview mirror to see Chloe until she can’t anymore.

And when her flight takes off, she thinks that, for a moment, she finally had Chloe.

**Author's Note:**

> also i uh made an aesthetic to this if you wanna go [like or reblog it or something](http://backtobasicbellas.tumblr.com/post/174791504393/bechloe-aesthetic-for-a-moment-i-was-feeling-like)


End file.
